Wednesday, September 18, 2002

it's been a shitty week so far. I'm suffering from a major case of self-doubt about my abilities both professional and personal.

In my professional capacities I'm having a great deal of trouble being interested in what I'm doing and I feel somewhat smited for being the lowest man on the totem pole. And it feels like some people are almost hostile to me on an almost personal level. Like yesterday when after 3 people stopped my my cube and asked me if I was going to get this component of a site done (which I did, within my own estimates by the way). By the last person I just came out and asked them if they thought I wasn't....they seemed somewhat suprised by my query and they had a nice diplomatic answer. I guess the reason they thought I wasn't going to get it done was I had to make some minute architectural changes within the existing site to get what they wanted to work (which I might add they failed to plan for, though it's their job). The other thing is, if people don't like the way I work why don't they give me an actual employee review? I've been screaming for one for the last year, and in that document they could highlight my problems. Of course, if it felt that it was bad overall, I might just quit and go be a bartender somewhere or something.

And on a personal abilities, I feel like I'm not as well liked ( or respected ) as I once thought. Because I guess I can be kind of goofy. I guess I know on a conscious their friendship isn't that important, because it's unequal. So if these people don't like me, then that's ok. I'll just stop emailing them or inviting them over. But it really bugs me because for some reason the validation of these people is important. Why?

Oh, on a happy note the date of my party is scheduled for Saturday Sept 28th, to start around 9pm. I'm making this really kick ass bbq chicken, I'll have the brew, I'll have the plates and spoons and forks, and I'll have the party room/pool/sauna. If anyone is interested, email me at, username is mwkohout. I'm hoping a lot of babes will show up. It'd be good for my ego.